Jesus, please fix me · life lived well · self care & self love · stories

i need help.

I wrote about my volunteering experience {read here} and let me tell you, since that week, my emotions have been burbling up and out at a rate unprecedented. One Saturday morning, I was driving my way through town to help volunteer at the rodeo and I saw a stagecoach, pulled by four drought horses. A half a mile later, I saw a bunch of palomino horses trotting down the street, their riders wearing maroon shirts and felt hats.

Y’all. I cried. I ugly cried as I drove and I was probably a bit of a hazard since I couldn’t really see through my tears.

The thing is…I couldn’t really tell you then why I was crying. I still can’t.

I have finally gotten to the point in my life where I think I’ve done all the work on my soul and mind and heart that I can without help. It’s time. I need outside help.

It’s time for me to go to counseling. It’s time for me to set some emotional health goals for myself and do my work so that I can make those goals a reality. It’s time to quit pretending I’m fine.

Here are my goals {because I need to write them down somewhere and here is as good a place as any}:

  • be able to identify my feelings and be able to tell why I’m feeling whatever it is I’m feeling.
  • to quit lying to myself – I tell myself that I’m fine all the time – I also tell myself that I really love being single {that’s a story for another day, perhaps} and that I don’t want to be in a messy relationship – it’s easier to lie to myself about these things than it is to delve into the hurt.
  • heal as much as I can from all the pain I’ve experienced, whether it’s from another’s pain that I picked up or whether it’s from the pain of my story – I want to heal from as much of that as possible so that my kid doesn’t have the same issues – and I also want to go forward in the rest of my life in as healthy of a way as possible.
grayscale photo of horse
Photo by ROBOMORFO multimedia on

So…sometime at the end of this month, I am going to start going to counseling. I want to be as transparent about it as possible because I believe there is this stigma around counseling – like we can’t talk about it, like it’s a big secret, like it’s shameful to admit that counseling was needed.

No no no no no. NO. There is no shame in admitting that I need help. There is no need for secrecy. In fact, if I am transparent about my experiences, then perhaps that will encourage others to get the help they need with their own struggles.

So, here I go 🙂


4 thoughts on “i need help.

  1. Good luck with your journey. The horses must have signified something important in your mind, following on from your volunteering experience, and you just couldn’t control your emotions. You are right there is nothing wrong in admitting you need to talk to someone so just go for it, you have nothing to lose. 🤗


  2. Hello Calista. I just read your post. If I may ask, do you believe in God? God is our creator and an ever present help in times of need. God is capable of helping you in this situation that you are in. I would suggest that you take the situation to our heavenly father, trust me, he can help. However, the heavenly father would need you to build a relationship with him first. When we walk faithfully with God, he blesses us with the gift of the holy spirit. The presence of the holy spirit fills our lives with joy. Galatians 5:22 says “but the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness”.

    If you wish to start a relationship with God (if you do not already have one), here are the steps that I usually recommend:

    1) find a quiet space free from distractions, a place where you can pray.

    2) imagine that Jesus is in front of you, talk to him the way you will with a close friend. Tell him that you are ready to accept him, invite him to come into your life and become your lord and personal savior. Ask for forgiveness of past sins. Tell Jesus that you want to die to your old self and be reborn as a new creation in him. Pray that you inherit eternal life and the kingdom of God. Beware of sudden distractions when you pray, this is a trick the devil uses to stop us from having focused prayers. You might also get the feeling that God is not there or that you are simply wasting your time, this is another trick that the devil uses to discourage us from prayers.

    3) If you have any specific prayers, or something specific that you need, you can ask it in Jesus name, and God would attend to the prayers. God usually has three answers to prayers: Yes, Yes but wait, and No. God has a reason for every answer, and his answers are usually what is best for you. When you pray, you need to have faith that you will receive. God does not like it when we pray but doubt his ability to provide what we want for us. Lastly, prayers and faith without works wont bring results. E.g. If all a person does is prays and has faith that they would get a job, without actually applying to jobs, they WOULD NOT get a job. God does not work that way, God loves hard-working people, and God rewards hard-work. If all Christians had to do is pray, have faith, and stay home all day awaiting a blessing, Christians would be the laziest people on earth. LOL. Your part is to pray that God should fast-track your success, so that you recieve your blessings quicker than people who are relying on their own strength. Your blessings might also come in a bigger way. Remember to thank God when you get the answers to your prayers.

    4) Read the bible and obey it. You can find free bibles online. You can also find free bible apps on google play. Keep praying all the time and maintain a connection with God.

    5) Trials and tribulations may come your way, sometimes these are designed to test your faith, and sometimes they are simply tricks from the devil to get you to denounce the religion. At times like this, you pray to God, you fast, and you maintain consistency in the faith, this way, God would lift you above all trials and afflictions.

    6) You can join a community of bible believing Christians. Having friends who are believers would keep you on track, and the conversations about the religion would be beneficial to your faith.

    7) Get a water baptism, and pray to God so that you can receive a baptism in the holy spirit.

    8) Begin to educate yourself on the things of the lord. Read books from ministers who have practised deliverance, healing, seeing in the spirit, and other gifts. Read about how they got these anoiting and learn more about the workings of the spiritual realm through Christian books.

    (The things written in this list are not to be followed in any particular order. The most important thing is to begin by asking for a forgiveness of sins, and to confess Jesus as your personal lord and saviour, you can mix up the order of the rest. However, I strongly suggest you do them all simultaneously)

    If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I pray God mends your hurt and fixes your heart in Jesus name, Amen. Stay blessed and have a great day.


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